streams of consciousness

I really don't have a direction with this post. In fact, be warned, this post isn't really for the public, although it will be public when I hit the post button. This has been one of my outlets for getting my thoughts out, no matter how random that may be. And I was hesitant to even write this here. But you never know how or when or if God may choose to use this somehow for someone, someday.

It started a really long time ago. I was pregnant with Avery. I had all these ideas about life. Lots of answers! Very few questions. I was certain that after she was born I would start working again full time. We had moved to a new state and I wasn't working. But we had planned on my working. With so much certainty that we bought our house with that figure in mind. But as my belly grew, my plan became shaky. I became shaky. I imagined someone else experiencing all the firsts, snuggling my soft, yummy baby, learning and molding her habits. I was completely torn up inside. I knew I had to work, but suddenly with all of my being, I couldn't do it. She was mine and I wanted her, everyday...all day. So I timidly approached my husband. Threw him completely off guard and basically totally stressed and freaked him out. How would we afford this? Somehow... God provided. I worked a little after she was born. At 8 weeks, God provided me with a part-part time job. It worked great. I was there a couple days a week, some weeks not at all. And no one got to establish her habits, experience all her firsts. God answers prayers.

That place, it's the only one I can pinpoint where this journey started. This journey of very few answers, tons of questions. Having children does that to you for sure. It makes you insecure. So insecure. So inadequate. And so madly, deeply in love with another human you think you might explode. It's the first real picture of God's love I ever got. Since then, I've seen His love in my husband in amazing ways. I have seen His love in my parents. In my Father. But having kids, that was my ah hah! moment. That was the time when I said, "God, you love me this much?! Wow!"

As, my kids have grown, I've had more and more questions. Is this the right decision for this or that? God, how DO I LOVE THEM like you want me too? You know, when all the warm and fuzzy baby feelings wear off and they back talk and roll their eyes? Show me! I'm desperate for answers.

I do my best, my best to make my life comfortable. Comfortable for me, for my husband, for my kids. But I am finding, as of late, that I'm not so sure God meant for me to get comfortable. Does he desire for me to feel COMFORTED? YES! But comfortable? Not so much. Because when I get comfortable, I find I don't need him so much. Don't think that was His plan. So now He has me contemplating all kinds of uncomfortable things. And I am trying really hard to get comfortable with that.