Deeper

Depression can drag you so deep. Deeper than you thought possible. To darkness you have never seen.

I feel myself peering over a ledge. Standing at the edge of a gaping hole. A hole of darkness. So dark the bottom is not seen.

I have reached a ledge. A level in the darkness. A place that I can see much more black emptiness below. But thankfully, God is sustaining me right here at this ledge. Just when I feel my feet slipping, He steadies me. His Word. Oh, how I love His Word. And I feel like the Psalmist, I meditate on His Word day and night. If I didn't, I would surely plunge into the darkness below.

I am so deeply grateful. Grateful for the lessons I'm learning. For the faith I am building. And for the love I am feeling. His love. Perfect love. Love that holds you in the darkness, gives you power in weakness, beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning and peace for despair.

He carries me. He carries me through it all.

And I know it won't be long before the darkness fades. Before this time is but a distant memory. And the hours of pain I record, will be reduced to one lump memory of darkness. I won't remember all the times I cried, but only that I cried. I won't remember all the words spoken in anger, except that I spoke in anger. I won't remember the moments of sheer panic, but that I panicked. I will look back and see what I have seen before, a dark time in my life that I don't wish to revisit, but that I see my Savior carrying me through it all.

His blood washes over my anger, depression, sadness, anxiety, thoughts of running away, fear of failing, fear that my children will remember this VERY sad momma. Washes it all. Redeems it all.

And they remember very little and so will I.

For my determined purpose is that I may know Him, that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving, recognizing and understanding the wonders of His person more strongly and more clearly, and that I may in that same way come to know the power out flowing from His resurrection, which it exerts over believers, and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed in spirit into His likeness even unto His death. Philippians 3:10 Amp Exp